


Illegal Meme

by Ourfandomcrazyuniverse



Category: Starkid, Team Starkid - Fandom, The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals - Team StarKid
Genre: Father figure hidgens, Melissa and Emma friendship yasss, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:15:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27268606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ourfandomcrazyuniverse/pseuds/Ourfandomcrazyuniverse
Summary: Melissa and Emma get scary texts off their partners, Doug and Paul, and worry if they’re being looked for by the FBI... because of a meme
Relationships: Doug/Melissa (The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals), Henry Hidgens & Emma Perkins, Paul Matthews/Emma Perkins, paulkins
Comments: 4
Kudos: 15





	Illegal Meme

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the same meme Zoya sent me saying Melissa or Emma energy and, well... I have been working on and off on this for months. Finally, here is the day it’s seeing light!!
> 
> Acab, warning but there are mentions of Dougs job as a cop and two other cops in it

Melissa laughed to herself over her phone. This post was so funny! And the kitty’s face just made it! The meme was a cats face, very close to the camera. Top text: `’Dear federal agents’`, bottom text: `’All my posts are serious and I am a threat to society’`. But the actual text, it made her brain whir fast. She couldn’t actually get in trouble for reblogging something like this, right? It wasn’t a trick post the FBI put out and whoever reblogs, they put them on a list. Was that a thing they did? 

But Melissa shook her head. Overthinking, again. Besides, this was her tumblr! She knew technologically she may not be, but in person she was completely anonymous on there. No one she knew in her real life had her blog name, that was a personal rule of hers. Plus now she’d started her shower and she didn’t want to waste water, as well as be late for work! Doug was just getting dressed in her room then was driving her and then they could be late for whole sor-! So Melissa held down the reblog button with her thumb and off it sent. 

She smiled to herself. See? That wasn’t so hard. But as she wrapped her towel around herself she knew of one other person who would like that meme, in fact, she said she liked all her memes! So with a quick screenshot, she sent it to Emma with a “🥰” accompanying it, before stepping into the bathroom.

Doug had got her in some bad emoji habits, not that Doug ever really used that emoji.

~

Emma laughed to herself in bed, then rolled over to show Paul her phone, unintentionally rolling her chin and arm onto his bare chest as she did so, she didn’t know he was that close. But she didn’t back up or anything. Why would she? “Hey, look at this meme Melissa sent me.” She prompted, her voice slightly raspy with sleep.

Paul took her phone in his hands and read it, giving a small approving laugh before handing it back. “It’s very Melissa. Are you posting it too?”

“Yeah, on Facebook. One sec.” Emma was typing the image into her phone and onto an app. Paul’s hand was rubbing her shoulder, from where his arm slid around the back of her.

“Look at it. It’s got that white text at the top and bottom. Just like a meme should have, never mind that nonsensical shit.” Emma said, knowing she sounded out of touch but not really caring. 

Especially when Paul agreed with her too. “Careful babe.” He laughed, pointing to her screen again before stealing a sleepy kiss to her bed hair. “FBI might come after you.”

~

Melissa was nearing the end of her shift. All her work friends had already gone home and she had to stay an extra hour because Mr. Davidson couldn’t find some reports. Even then her final task was to lock up his office, and he had to go home before she could do that. 

She’d texted Doug about the development, since they said they were cooking tonight when they dropped her off at work. But Melissa hadn’t gotten a text back off them yet. Weird. She’d definitely seen Doug had read the message, almost as soon as she sent it, that was normal, and then the three dots after it, as per usual. But then they’d disappeared. And it was nearly half an hour later and she still hadn’t gotten a reply.

As much as this would usually freak Melissa out, she tried to justify it in her head. Doug probably thought they’d already sent her a message and not pressed send accidentally, or maybe their signal went just as they did. 

Or maybe something bad happened at work.

Melissa had to stop herself from leaning her head against her fist that leant on the table. Doug was at their _desk_ today, not on the field. Nothing bad had happened to them there.

Then. Melissa’s phone started buzzing. She tried to get it from her breast pocket that was honestly almost too small for a phone. The buzzing was so quick in succession, she thought she was getting a call, but instead, already had nine text messages.

`“What the fuck.”`

`“Babe.”`

`“Babe what the fuck!”`

`“I just had the FBI in here!”`

`“They’ve come to see me, asking about you!!”`

`“Mel what the fuck is going on”`

`“Text me”`

`“NOW”`

`“Melissa?!?”`

Oh my God.

Oh my God!!!

What the FUCK!?

Melissa frantically texted Doug back. Asking all manner of questions such as `“What do u mean?!!” “Babe pls call me” “I don’t understand, me??!!!” “Doug what”` And mostly `”REPLY!!!”` Although that was also screamed out loud by Melissa in frustration, in the almost dark, almost abandoned, office building.

Melissa didn’t know whether to run or hide under her desk. 

She wanted to run up to Dougs own desk just to get them to reply. But for many obvious reasons, that was scary, and did not seem like a good idea. 

But she got a text, 9 minutes after she’d read that final message.

`“They have to talk to me now. I don’t even know if I was supposed to text you. Fuck. Just don’t panic babe okay? I’ve gotta go”`

Well, at least there was one place, one person she could run to. Right down that extra block.

Melissa grabbed what she needed, locked up, and speedwalked right down the street, holding her belongings tight to her chest, her glasses getting steamed up as she breathed heavily and tried not to burst into a run.

Emma’s tired look, turned into a customer service smile, then turned into a genuine smile, as she saw who walked through the door right before closing. “Oh! Hey Melissa!”

Melissa squeaked towards her. Closing the door herself, instead of waiting for it to close, it was a painfully slow closing door, or maybe that was her adrenaline, walking right up to the counter until her stomach hit the wood. 

Emma got a medium cup out. “Same as usual?” She asked, nonchalantly but with a tad more energy than she usually gave to customers. 

Melissa shook her head, but Emma’s face was down, finding the teabags she’d just put away. Melissa instead, grabbed her hand that was still resting on the counter, and that made Emma look up. “Hey, you know that meme we posted?”

Emma looked down to Melissa’s hand on hers, and then the girls flushed face. “Yeahh?”

“Well I think I’ve actually gotten into trouble. I think it really was a trick by the FBI, where whoever posted it they checked out and wanted to arrest. Or maybe, like, I did something!-“ she placed her hand beatingly against her heart “and they’ve found out now and are going to arrest me.” Now she straightened up, her voice upset like she wanted to whine and sob but dictation clear and formal, if not a bit urging. “So I think you should take yours down too, before they find you, if it’s not already too late.”

Then she realised how she could be putting her fears onto Emma. “Not that-! I meant!”

“Why would you think you’re getting arrested by Federal agents?”

That got Melissa to stop for a bit. She paused, biting down on her bottom lip with her two front teeth for a moment. Before holding her phone protectively. “Doug texted me.”

Emma gave a small chuckle of recognition at that. “Oh yeah I’ve gotten those messages off Paul too.”

“WHAT?!?!” Melissa dropped her stuff as she slammed her hands down on the desk in shock. “Oh-!” She let out that frustrated right on the edge of tears noise, and went over to pick up her handbag and clipboard. Emma came over, knowing Melissa wasn’t here for just a drink, and dropped to her knees to help her. 

“It’s clearly a prank. They’re pranking us.” She told Melissa confidently, sure. She placed Melissa’s handbag over the younger girls shoulder, getting her to look in her eyes. “There’s no feds at Paul’s and mine house, same as there aren’t any interrogating Doug right now.” She said it as a promise. Emma had scoffed and almost didn’t even bother with a reply to Paul. She thought she sent something along the lines of `”yeah yeah v funny babe, see you at home”` back along with a follow up of `“don’t let any government people into my drawers”` just to tease him back. But Melissa seemed to have not taken it the same way.

Except now she was getting there. Melissa calmed, thinking over Emma’s words. “Oh.” That did seem right. The most plausible option. Then the breath left her lungs and her eyes were wild again. “Wait no! Doug had no idea I posted that, Doug doesn’t know my tumblr url!!”

That was irrefutable evidence towards the idea that something was happening, in Melissa’s mind. Emma did not believe as easily. “Let em come.” She said, trying to get Melissa to laugh even if she said it toughly. But Melissa was equally not fully convinced to Emma’s side. Although that is what she _wanted_ to believe. She leaned in close, checking the windows nervously, before looking her in the eye to see how truthful she was being, how confident she truly was. “But are you sure Emma?”

Emma used her shoulder to nudge Melissa’s own. “Hey, if I’m wrong, you can hand me into the FBI yourself.” She raised her hands in the air like she was surrendering, before dropping them to her sides with a laugh and walking back behind the counter.

Melissa was... slightly calmer. She was about 60% sure this was just a prank now. However. Better safe than sorry was her motto when it came to her anxiety, and she wanted them to take precautions, just in case. She leant on Emma’s counter to talk lower. “Well, hey, now your shift is over, can we do something?” She asked innocently.

Which is why it surprised her when Emma’s head popped up with a confused and concerned look, her eyebrows wiggly lines. “Why do you know it’s the end of my shift?” She asked.

Melissa just blinked. “I’m a PA.”

“Yeah but not for my company.”

Forgetting it though, at Melissa’s blank expression, Emma sighed and removed her apron, soon turning into a chuckle. This was quite a funny scenario honestly, strange, not likely to happen again. “Yeah sure.” She responded, to Melissa’s plea to band together. It wasn’t like she minded spending time with her friend anyway. “What did you have in mind?”

“Can we both sleepover at your kooky bio professor and dads house tonight please?” 

Too quick of a response. Emma laughed, making sure to gently brush Melissa’s shoulder so the shy PA knew she wasn’t laughing at her. “Because you don’t want to go home.” She stated, knowing the reason behind that. The pink lighting up under her cheekbones was enough to just solidify Emma’s suspicions. “Mel they’re fucking with us. But let’s let them believe we believe, a little longer hey?” Emma suggested with finger guns. At least then those two could finish their fun, and Emma kind of wanted to see what they had planned. 

As long as she wasn’t getting involved in Melissa’s partners kinky arrest roleplay.

Unless Paul was also in on it... Fuck the police but also, damn did her Paul look good in a suit. She could be into an FBI thing... And one of his bedroom rules before had been no roleplay, which Emma respected but was definitely up for trying with him if he was. 

But Melissa still looked worried to her, and Emma sympathised with what must be going through her head right now. So Emma sidled up to Melissa’s side, and nudged her hip with her own, extending her hand towards the door so they could leave together. “But yeah sure come over for a bit man, I’m sure Hidgens won’t mind, let’s play some board games or something, just till you’ve chilled.”

~

Hidgens shot up from his kitchen barstool when he heard the front door unlocking. There was only one person who had a key, and he was highly sure an intruder would have other ways of entering if they so wished. So that could only mean one thing. He got up and made his way to the door, shouting “Emma!” Before he even turned the hallway. He was just so pleased for the surprise visit.

Her voice called out, as he suspected, but carrying the sentence “And a guest!” Now that was off. If it was Paul wouldn’t she have just referred to him by name? 

Making the corner, he saw that nice young girl, Melissa, with her. Fiddling with her glasses ever so anxiously, and looking around his home. He wanted to say in slight awe, as most people were when they saw his estate, but something was off with this young lady today. But he shook that thought off to open his arms and smile at his Emma. Watching her smile, almost giddily, before walking over to him and hugging him tight. Hidgens pressed his hands into her back, his chin on her head and suddenly felt not numb anymore. Then he looked up from his swaying to see Melissa awkwardly but politely waiting for them. He leant his head back and cleared his throat. “Hello again, Melissa.” He smiled warmly, welcoming her to his home. 

He had met her a couple of times, but thought she was more Paul’s friend than Emma’s. Oh, well, that meant Emma was branching out! Oh good! He was glad she was making more friends, and he invited Melissa straight for a cup of tea at the thought.

He didn’t know why there were here instead of at Emma’s though. Maybe the girl liked science? That could be a reason.

“Hello Mr. Hidgens.” She attempted a smile, keeping her distance.

“Ah just Hidgens dear. Do you and Emma have any plans?”

“No.” She piped up, watching him with the kettle and as much as she wanted to show her appreciation, she also wanted to just talk to Emma, alone. Maybe she could just wait for the tea and then subtly take Emma upst-

“Yeah we’re hiding from the feds Hidgens.” Emma said.

Melissa squealed so tiny the small intake of air made her choke. Oh God.

Hidgens just responded, by pouring the hot water into their mugs. “That’s nice dear.”

Emma took Melissa upstairs with her tea and sat down in the upstairs living area with her, setting her mug down, and Melissa following suit. “So apart from the fact you think there’s any small chance feds are at either of our houses, why did you wanna hang here?” Emma asked, taking a small sip and keeping her eyes on the nervous girl who was bouncing her leg and biting the inside of her cheek.

Melissa mirrored her actions and held the warm cup in her hands. “Because your dad wouldn’t hand us in.” She gave her rationalisation, taking a small drink to be polite.

“Oh, he’s not my dad.”

“WHAT?” Melissa dropped her cup down on the table before she dropped it full stop, feeling her hands begin to shake. That was before she started fanning herself, her well structured plan falling apart.

“Hey hey! He’s like, basically a dad figure!” Emma tried to calm her, letting her own feelings about being open be pushed to the side, she grabbed Melissa’s hands and pulled them into her own chest, like she did Paul’s.

It was good Melissa and Paul were friends, because they seemed to be able to calm with similar tactics, or at least in this instance. Which is why Emma let her pull back when she stopped being on the brink of hyperventilating, and Emma sat back too.

Melissa took a breath in, and a breath out. She guessed he was still close enough to being her dad, he didn’t seem like he’d want Emma arrested anyway. Even downstairs just a few minutes ago, they seemed like father and daughter, or at least best friends. She let out another small breath. “Oh well.” She started, sounding timid but more mild with her anxiety. “Paul is scared of the government so they’d probably trick him into thinking handing us in or whatever was for our own good.”

“Are you saying Paul would hand me in to the feds? Rude.” Emma snorted.

Melissa was trying to even half joke with Emma! And this is where it got her? “Oh, I’m sorry.”

Emma shook her head, crossing her arms over her chest as she sunk into the couch. “No I mean rude on his part. Weak bitch.”

Although, Melissa did think she saw a smile on Emma’s face as she said that. And Melissa prided herself on being quite perceptive when she wanted.

~

They’d just finished their tea when Emma heard from downstairs, a distinct yell. “Emma what is this?!” That confused her. She looked to Melissa quickly who was just staring at the floor where Hidgens voice had come from like she was about to start sweating. Emma was about to go downstairs, already hearing Hidgens feet on the steps himself, when her phone buzzed, and Melissa’s followed straight after.

The two girls shared nervous glances, even Emma gulped a little, she was getting a very bad feeling from this. Then she opened her phone and her mouth felt dry.

A text from Paul. Two pictures. One of Emma. One of Melissa. In a wanted poster. 

Melissa sounded like she was about to cry. She stood up and jumped a little on her feet, fanning herself and pulling at her collar, before slumping back down into the seat again. Emma watched the girl in shock, before she could move back onto the pictures. They weren’t like old western ones, they were the FBI ones you see in real police stations. Or at least they sure looked like the fuckin thing!

Even though Melissa had her own text, Emma shoved her phone in the younger girl’s face. “Melissa! You’re in precincts a lot! Does this look legit?!” Melissa covered her eyes on instinct, blocking the reality out. Emma gently pulled on her hands, but was starting to get a little freaked herself. “Melissa focus up okay? This is serious.” Her voice sounded slightly rough still.

That’s when Hidgens entered the room, showing Emma his own phone too. “Emma what is the meaning of this?!” He yelled, but then it turned into a hushed whisper, as Emma sunk into her own seat. Hidgens scarpered to kneel by her side and zoom in on her picture singularly. “You weren’t joking before?!!!?”

Then, Melissa and Emma’s phones buzzed. Not Hidgens though. Emma, like a zombie, opened her message from Paul. Melissa scrambled to read the text.

`“WTF?! Emma??? Mel?!”`

Emma let her phone sink into the cushions, ignoring Melissa’s whimpers and choosing to laugh instead, much to Hidgens’ shock beside her. Emma chuckled to everyone in the room but mostly herself, while looking to the ceiling. “Ha. Oh wow. Paul really shouldn’t have involved you in their silly prank Hidgens. That’s low.”

“Prank? Emma dear, kindly, what the fuck is happening??!”

Melissa was now also kneeled in front of Emma, except she was tugging on Emma’s shorts, begging to speak in private. She was biting down so so hard on her lips and little mumbles were escaping, her eyes pleading up at Emma, and Emma knew what she had to do. “Erm, Hidgens. Can you give us a minute?”

Hidgens did NOT seem like he wanted to give Emma a minute. Except he looked over to the girl next to him and she looked like she was about to start bawling any second if she couldn’t talk to Emma. So begrudgingly, he gave them one minute, slipping out the door to go analyse the text himself.

As soon as he was gone, Emma scrambled to scroll on her phone until she found Paul’s number, something that felt like it was taking for-FUCKING-ever, until she eventually rang him. And she rang him again. And again until “Son of a bitch!” She heard the dial fall flat again.

“Who are you calling?” Melissa finally asked, her voice quiet.

“Paul.” Came the flat response. Now he wasn’t answering, Emma had to figure out something _else_ to do. Until Melissa gasped that is. “What if they’re listening to him!” She put out there. 

Emma didn’t respond, she didn’t want to think about that. She was too busy pondering if some of the semi-illegal stuff she did as a kid, or around the globe, or laws she didn’t even know she’d broken, were catching up with her. Then Melissa inquired about something too serious for Emma to ignore.

“Emma you don’t think they’ve hurt him or Doug-?”

“NO. No.” Emma grabbed Melissa’s face beneath her. It was a mixture of Emma’s panic, and the girls need for reassurance that meant the firm yet still gentle grip of her palms on her cheeks was just accepted by both. “Melissa. Listen to me. Paul, and Doug, are fine.”

Her voice was strong and eyes dark and that seemed to be enough to make Melissa at least cognisant again, pacing around instead of helplessly kneeling at Emma’s feet ; but Emma did not trust the government. But, that didn’t mean Paul was having his life threatened by them! Or was being tortured, or having an anxiety attack while being interrogated, or losing his mind with worry...

Now Emma worried that she was impossibly more worried over him than he was worried for her. Her and his friend.

“They look like them.”

“What?” Emma asked. Melissa’s voice was quiet but even so Emma knew that sentence didn’t make sense. Until Melissa pointed down to her phone, to the one obvious thing she was looking at. “It’s not like those websites you can get them from, this looks like the stuff Doug has all around their work. Except newer.” That last word was whispered. Melissa clung onto her phone harshly even as her knuckles turned white and Emma felt like she was loosing it slowly to the panic. 

That and the fact she couldn’t remember a single, proper, prank Paul had pulled on her for this long. 

“Better safe than sorry.” Melissa whined hopelessly to herself. And for once, Emma was inclined to agree.

Emma jogged up to Melissa and took her hand, trying her best to smile no matter the wild looks the PA was giving her. “Okay, leave your phone right here, just in case they start tracking us, we’ll shake them off yeah, we’re gonna go to a motel for the night. Just In case okay??! I have some spare clothes round here in case of a lab emergency or something, you can borrow some. Let’s hurry okay?”

And Melissa’s pupils grew smaller, taking Emma’s other hand and nodding, like that was the most sensible thing she’d heard today.

~

When Paul got the message off Doug at first he was a bit... skeptical. He was hardly the prankster type, and he did message Melissa’s partner back `“What if they hurt me.”` That fear was mostly from Emma because God knows, no matter how funny or not she found it, she’d want her revenge, but he wasn’t sure about Melissa either. 

But Doug was very convincing. And kinda threatening without even really meaning to.

Actually, while he was working on his part, he was excited to be able to join in on the little joke. He wasn’t a complete stick in the mud after all, maybe Emma would even be proud he was able to do this. So with that thought making him smile like an idiot, he got to work photoshopping some fake ‘wanted’ posters on his computer. Wanted posters Doug had given him some very good templates for.

But now he’d sent the photos to Emma and Melissa and he didn’t feel _as_ confident as he had before. And he mentioned this to Doug as the cop stood in his house - at least Melissa was partly right about their being law in Emma’s home. But Doug had his phone in their holster.

“Doug can I have my phone back?” Paul begged again, not exactly wanting to go rooting in a cops holster, even if his own phone was in there and not a weapon. But Doug angled their hip away, looking down to Paul over the top of their glasses. “Not if you’re gonna be a simp and tell your girlfriend.” They told him.

Paul grumbled. That was all they said. He flinched his eyes. “She said to say if it really was a joke okay, she really just wants to know now.”

Now Paul was feeling bad. What if he was causing Emma unnecessary stress? He only meant to prank until she and Melissa had fallen for it, then he and Doug could come out and laugh with them. But Doug apparently wasn’t done yet.

“No!” Doug groaned, so close to having all their plans ruined. “I’ve met Emma, she’s clearly appealing to your soft side, she’s fine.” They told Paul, because honestly that’s likely what was happening.

“What about Melissa?” Paul found that argument eventually. He knew even if Emma was absolutely fine, that didn’t mean Melissa was coping. They were at very different coping levels. 

He thought he saw Doug considering that for a second, maybe, it was hard to tell with their cop glasses Paul had rarely seen them without. But Doug just shrugged, their hands holding onto their biceps “Melissa hasn’t texted me yet.”

Paul ran his hand down his face. Before quickly shrugging himself. “Okay. Okay. Okay! But can I at least text Emma’s, uh, dad, who I texted.” Paul thought it wasn’t _exactly_ a fib, and Doug wasn’t moving, so he made eye contact - well, as best he could. “He’s 63, he could have a heart attack after I sent him that, I thought you’d let me say the jig is up after. Let me just let _him_ know, it’s just a joke.” Paul asked, with his hands out, like he was trying to calm a scary wild animal.

Doug reached in for his phone and chucked it at him, giving him the warning of “One minute. Only text _him._ Make sure he doesn’t tell our girlfriends.” 

Paul smiled. Yeah Hidgens wouldn’t have a heart attack over that, but it made Paul feel better to text him, and thus he’d _kinda_ told Emma. _In a way._

He opened his locked IPhone, and found Hidgens in his recents. He was about to start texting when he saw Doug watching him carefully. Paul decided not to hide what he was doing, to not make Doug suspicious. He stuck his chin up, slightly pink faced at trying to seem so cool, and texted Hidgens his message quickly. 

This way, no one could be mad.

Right?

~

Hidgens was twiddling his thumbs anxiously, pacing around the downstairs hallway. His hands smoothed across one of his many money hiding spots, too many safes would be too obvious. He was a little perturbed by that message, but more from Emma’s reaction itself. He was waiting to be allowed back up, once her and Melissa had spoken, or he’d come up himself soon.

That’s when his phone buzzed. A message from Paul. Again. He frantically opened it, looking upwards and wondering if those two had gotten the same message, when he read the contents.

`”By the way this is a joke!!! I’m sorry!! But please play along with Emma, you know she likes jokes too, just don’t tell her, or Melissa’s cop partner will probably arrest me for ruining everyone’s fun. Sorry, I tried to message you straight after, but I nearly got arrested for that too.”`

Good God. Well at least that was that. 

Hidgens jogged up the stairs quickly, wanting to get to Emma and poor Melissa and calm them down, maybe he would tell them, maybe he’d consider if Emma was think that as ‘ruining her fun’, but he wanted them to at least calm. Ooh, maybe he could play along and pretend he’d be their escape man, driving them away to a safe house or something or the sort. That could be exciting. Although his main concern was that they were mentally sound, and if he walked in and his poor Emma was too stressed over it, he was telling her everything, Paul and Melissa’s partner by damned. 

But when Hidgens opened the door, his face dropped and his eyes couldn’t believe the mess of the room, with clothes strewn around and suitcases not in their compartments...

~

It was 10pm and neither Emma nor Melissa were home now. 

Both Paul and Doug had tried calling their respective partners after about an hour of no response from Hidgens, because, well, it was getting late now, and Paul was happy to be able to call Emma and tell her to just come home and he’ll explain everything then. 

Dougs message had even explained it all, thinking Melissa might be too shaky to reply until she got it all figured out, sending her `”Babe it’s a prank lol. I saw the meme earlier. Come back home and eat this food Im making for you k? Ily”`

But now Doug was yet again stood pacing in Paul’s living room with a twisted grimace, while Paul held his couch cushion to his stomach feeling sick. Both their phones were switched off and Paul and Doug had no idea where they were.

“Holy shit I can’t believe this is actually happening!!!” Paul breathed out in yet another short round of hyperventilating.

Doug span on their heel and turned to him with shock and a hint of anger on their face. “Your girlfriend kidnapped my girlfriend!!”

“You scared my girlfriend into paranoia with your stupid prank idea!!”

Doug had had some worrying times in the force, even times where they got emotionally involved, which they knew they should never do. But this worry was real and bubbling up in their chest and quickly churning into anger as it left their mouth to spit at Paul. “I WILL press kidnapping charges against your girlfriend is she doesn’t come back with Melissa, then I’ll make sure the Feds really are after her!!” Their face was getting redder, something rarer for them, and their fists were clenched tight by their sides, less rare.

Meanwhile Paul took that threat from a law enforcement individual in just pure shock, shock at how fucking hypocritical they were! “You emotionally manipulated and scared them! That’s a crime right!? Hidgens will prove it! I KNOW A LAWYER!” He spat out excuses and his own defences and really he just wanted to curl up into a ball and let Emma defend him. He wasn’t confrontational. But if Doug had made Emma and his best friend get hurt...

But he tried to calm his defensive and worried anger down, tried to explain away both their yelling. But he had trouble getting people understanding him in the first place sometimes - _Emma had always understood him_ \- and it didn’t help his cause much. “Listen! You’re just yelling because you know it’s your fault if anything happens to Melissa! And she’s my friend too okay, way before you, so I’m worried about the both of them!” He went from breathing slowly through his teeth at the start of the sentence to yelling again by the end.

And the yelling didn’t seem to be doing Doug, who now slapped their hands over their ears and grunted in frustration, any good either. “Shut up! Shut up. I’m trying to think, okay?” 

Well at least if the _cop_ was thinking...

Paul slouched back into his couch. Anger fading the more he stared at the blank tv screen and just wished it was Emma in front of him instead, Emma blocking his view of the tv screen for attention, or to annoy him into saying something she wanted to hear, or just because she was so in her head repeating whole paragraphs she’d studied for that she couldn’t hear Paul asking her if she could please study somewhere not in front of the tv. He just wanted her to hear his voice again. To tell her the truth and assure her it was all okay, explain that she didn’t need to go on the run and leave him.

Leave him...

But oh fuck-!

Paul face twisted into a grimace of pain, clutching at the cushion still around his stomach, guilt ripping up his insides. There’d be someone possibly even more lonely and worried without her.

Paul chuckled out loud and the strangled very much not joyful and even more out of place sound startled Doug into looking around. Their bewildered expression only heightened by the hands on their hips. “I’m sorry, is something funny?”

Paul laughed again, looking up to Doug with just fear in his eyes. Ranting even though he knew Doug probably didn’t care to hear this bit, maybe Doug could do some good here to clam him, not like they were really using their cop powers anyway now.

“Ha. Hah... Thank God Hidgens doesn’t know they’re missing yet. And we don’t have to tell him yet, right? Not blow things out of proportion.” Paul could just imagine the conversation.  
‘WHERE IS EMMA, PAUL!?’  
‘Hidgens-‘  
‘What the fuck have you done?!’  
Now he felt somehow even more scared. More guilty. 

Even though, admittedly, Doug cared more about Melissa than Emma and her dad, Paul words did spark a new fear into their chest, one that made Doug want to grab one of Paul’s pillows and hold it there themself now. “Oh my God. How am I gonna tell Melissa’s parents?”

Paul stared up at Doug, and Doug stared back down, for the first time since the first shout had rung out, looking into each other’s eyes. And Dougs hand went for the phone one last time. “I’m calling Sam.”

They walked away to make their call in silence, but Paul followed, throwing his cushion to the couch and stepping behind. “Huh, why?! Do you think they’re really in trouble?!?” He asked.

Doug just sighed, the breath coming out shaky. “Well at least he can try and track their phones first of all. That’s a starter.”

But just then before they could press call Paul gasped so loud it sounded as if he’d swallowed something, and Paul couldn’t believe he hadn’t thought of this himself. 

“Wait, shit! I can probably use find my iPhone and track them!”

While Dougs secondary reaction was ‘you didn’t think of that before?!’ Their initial one was “Holy shit! You can do that?”

Doug followed Paul back to his office where Paul switched on his computer from sleep mode. He cracked his knuckles, not really knowing why he did that, but otherwise staying silent in focus. He was so glad he was a technical person.

Only several minutes later and Paul was watching the screen’s loading sign whirl for both Emma and Melissa’s phones, so glad they did both have iPhones. But then his face dropped as he read out the screen in front of him. 

Doug, understanding enough the words but still wanting to see if there was something they weren’t picking up on, hit Paul’s shoulder until he raised his head from his hands where he’d dropped it. “What?! What does that mean?! Man!”

“It means they’ve both turned find my iPhone off.”

He hid his face back in his hands.

Doug just watched him for a second, hitting refresh on both their pages, Melissa was almost definitely _with_ Emma, but again, nothing happened. 

Well they weren’t going to sit and try not to cry like Paul. They got their phone out their jacket pocket once more, glaring at him. “Well I’m finally gonna call for backup now we’re not dicking around.”

It was a little harsh they knew, but they didn’t want to waste a second, they were fucking frightened.

But before they could press Sam’s contact they started to receive a call.

And Paul, knowing the difference between the two tones, shot up. 

Unfortunately he didn’t have time to see, only infer, who was calling, as Dougs thumb shot straight to answer as they pulled their phone to their head and said “Melissa?!??”

Paul nearly slapped Dougs hand, making them bring their phone down away from their ear, and Doug would have shoved him if they didn’t spot him putting speaker on and realise that was probably a good idea. And if they weren’t so caught up listening to Melissa’s sobbing on the end.

“Melissa listen to me okay-“

“Doug...”

Doug and Paul’s hearts broke in sync. 

“Melissa it was just a-“

“Doug?” Interference and static sounded for just a second but it was a second too long for poor Doug and Paul’s hearts.

“-Emma’s taking us somewhere but I can’t say-“

“Emma!” Paul called out wailingly into the phone as it cut off again.

It seemed though, that like they didn’t know the phone was cutting out, they couldn’t hear Paul’s yell just then.

“I’m sorry. We’ll be safe.”

“Melissa it was just a prank!!!” Paul actually yelled that, Dougs voice somehow not working, but the static that made Paul’s ears hurt was playing, and they knew they couldn’t hear them. 

“It’s not real babe!” Doug tried this time, the end of their sentence cut off by choking on their own salvia. “It’s not-‘“

The phone call ended.

~

Rob and Sam were both in Paul’s house. It was much less professional, since Doug already had all the answers a cop would need, they just had brought a bit more equipment from the station, like radios to ask how well the phone tracking and cordons were going and such. Rob mostly just pat Dougs shoulder while Paul just sat there, no one to comfort him. Even though there was only one person he’d want to comfort him.

He hoped Emma and Melissa knew the cordons were there to help them, not hurt them.

It had just gone midnight, Paul, and not relaxing the others too, just watching the clock, not really knowing why, and a silent air of a sigh spread across the room as nothing happened.

It was fourteen minutes later when the sound of a key unlocked the door, and in walked into the open living room, a perfectly unscathed and almost smiling Emma and Melissa. 

Melissa held her hands in her pockets shyly, averting eye contact, whereas Emma took a deep breath inside of her home. “Shit. I knew cop cars outside was a bad sign.”

There was one look between Paul and Doug. And then both of them started running. 

Paul ran faster than Emma had ever seen, in fact she didn’t think she’d ever seen Paul run, and she raised her eyebrow. Once Paul got to her he didn’t only just hug her but hugged her so hard he lifted her off the ground. Spinning around with her in his arms, he held her hair with the back of his hand, and, not putting her down, Emma settled her legs around his hips to rest them, giggling quietly and biting her lip as Paul breathed deeply into her hair and into her neck. Seconds later he pulled back with a big toothy smile, exasperating “Let me look at you.” He stroked her face all over, eyes wandering her with just this massive awe struck smile and Emma just giggled. 

“Sap. Scaredy cat.”

Meanwhile Doug rushed forward and Melissa, still if not slightly wobbly in place, just squeaked “I’m sorry!” at the pace Doug was coming for her, like a stampeding bull. Only for when Doug finally reached Melissa not to hug her like she was hoping, instead knocking her into the couch. Melissa fell back with a high pitched “Oof!” And in the next second, Doug falling dead on top of her and then finally hugging them tight, a small moan coming from them, Melissa was just shocked. They grabbed her wrists with just one hand, something Melissa gasped at but found very cool, and Doug just kissed her hand, the act calming them and doing so even more as they went for all over her face. Seeing them come that way, Melissas brain could only say ‘Oooh yes’, but that’s when Doug stopped. 

Melissa looked up sadly. Meanwhile Doug just looked down at them confused, then back to Paul and Emma, who were fine, just nuzzling noses, even if Emma was laughing and Paul looked like he’d just taken a number of endorphin increasing drugs, Dougs eyes swept to a head-scratching Rob and Sam, and finally, back down to a confused looking Melissa.

“What the fuck?!!!!??”

Paul looked over now, setting Emma down but still holding her back so she was fully touching him, both the couple staring confusedly at Doug and Melissa looked even more so as Doug sat up, still on top of her.

And with Dougs eyes hard on hers, Doug saw Melissa looking guilty, and looking over, saw Emma smirking, even as Paul held her closer when they looked her way. And Doug just felt like screaming to the others who hadn’t gotten it yet. “What the fuck is going on here?!!?”

...But when Hidgens opened the door, his face dropped and his eyes couldn’t believe the mess of the room, with clothes strewn around and suitcases not in their compartments...

Instead lain on the beds, wide open, with Emma and Melissa stuffing handfuls of clothes inside, looking up like naughty children who’d been caught colouring on the walls.

Hidgens, heart still beating, looked to Emma, then the suitcases, then Melissa, then back to Emma again. “What the fuck?”

Emma gulped at how white and wide Hidgens eyes were, Melissa focusing herself on just packing, beet head down, while Emma walked over and took Hidgens wrist, leading him to the door. Hidgens was just so shocked he followed.

Grimacing up at her father figure, Emma let him go, rubbing her temples hard. “Yeah so, we’re gonna go on the run.” She explained, bouncing on her feet as she did so, and knowing she needed to pack before the feds caught onto the knowledge they were runners and burst down Hidgens door, or cordoned off the island. “Just in case.” Luckily she could hear the effort Melissa was going into, squeezing everything in from behind. Maybe Hidgens would drive them somewhere?!

But Hidgens sighed, damning Paul, and Melissa’s partner, as he put his hands solidly on Emma’s shoulders. “Emma, my dear.” In such a calm and authoritative voice that it got Melissa to look up, desperate for the guidance. And looking into his daughter figures deep brown eyes, he explained all he knew.

By the end, Melissa was face down splayed on the bed, covered by a mix of Emma’s spare clothes and a few of his own, banging her hip on a suitcase whenever she moved, and Emma just stayed with her jaw dropped, right under Hidgens hands...

“Bitch!”

She whipped around, out of his hold, and towards Melissa. Melissa kept her face plummeted into the uncomfortable pile of pants, too uncaring, so Emma turned back to Hidgens again, who just looked down worriedly. She scoffed, resting her chin on her shoulder in thought, clicking her jaw. “...Oh that bitch is dead.”

“Now now Emma.” Hidgens spoke up peacefully. “Paul seemed very worried over text, and he only wanted to make sure you were having fun, if not safe. I think it’s all down to the real mastermind behind these scenes.” They both looked over to Melissa. Well at least he’d defended his future son in law. 

Melissa rolled over to her side now, glasses leaving a groove in the bridge of her nose from her glasses but otherwise fine. Exhausted maybe, but she hauled herself into a sitting position, wrangling Emma’s bra from under her butt and throwing it into the suitcase they’d no longer be using anyway. 

Emma scoffed again. “Both of them are responsible. And we’re gonna pull a little prank on them back.”

Hidgens clapped happily at this, watching Emma stomp over to her friend, and smiling. “Oh Paul did say you liked pranks. If you do it back you’re pretty even then, no more fights?” He made sure to ask.

Emma just hummed “We’ll see” before shaking Melissa’s shoulder. “Come on. We were gonna go on the run, we’ll make them _think_ we actually are. They literally almost led us straight into that.”

Melissa grimaced, shrugging Emma’s evil claw off her like the devil on her shoulder and pouting, too tired and just wanting to crawl home and make Doug make it up to her in their own special way. “But I don’t want a prank war.” She whined to her friend, shimmying back when Emma got on her knees on the end and held Melissa’s shoulder like that, knowing she was about to concede with whatever evil was offered up.

“They’ll never prank you with a mean prank again.”

Oh. That was a lot more reason that Melissa was expecting. And hearing those words made her heart actually beat at a safe pace, looking up to her shorter friend and knowing she was right. She was convinced. 

Now back in Pauls house, after explaining themselves, Melissa wanted to feel bad in the end. ...But hearing Dougs relieved laugh and seeing them just cradle her on top of her, she could sigh inside her mind. Phew. Okay. She could laugh too. She sat up hesitantly, and pulled Dougs long hair behind their back, until she finally worked up the courage to look into their eyes, sunglasses gone. “Hi babe.”

With a very loud squeak from one, Doug leant down and smashed their lips into Melissa’s, literally everyone else in the room looking away with a groan, so Doug holding out a middle finger, to no one, as Melissa subdued into another person, and let Doug push her back into the couch, for more hello kisses.

Paul was giving Emma ‘welcome back’ kisses of her own now. Feeling his girlfriend deserved them more, and pecking up and down all over her face, while Emma smiled awkwardly to the officers who’d time she just wasted. Well- oh that was a nice spot on her neck- she hoped Melissa’s partner- aha okay Paul too many too much in front of the pigs- would get them off. Gosh he was sweet.

Paul pulled back after one final peck to her cheek, just beaming down at his girlfriend and enclosing his arms around her once again, holding her shoulders to his chest and humming just for a second. So Emma could really tell he was happy. She squeezed him back, offering a small kiss to his torso, just to appease the big guy.

Still glowing, Paul pulled his head away but kept his arms full, looking down at her and cocking his head. Red and full of adrenaline, he smirked. “I know you must have actually believed it a bit though, right??” 

The sentence actually came out a bit breathlessly, and Emma hummed cheerily to him at that, straightening his shirt which he’d clearly undone, on purpose or by accident, the first few buttons of, and imagined how she’d get him to make it up to her further, when their house was clear. Of fucking course, she looked up to him, biting down on her grin, and brightly told him “Nope! Not at all.”

Paul slung his arm up over her neck, and dragged her closer for a kiss, pushing himself down and Emma had to grab his collar to hold him steady, stopping him from lapping at her like an overexcited puppy but also kissing him back with as much force as she wanted because damn if she didn’t deserve a nice fucking kiss by now.

But they were both brought out of their stupor, Rob and Sam glad for the distractions, when Melissa piped up.

“Hey. There’s still one thing I don’t get.” She said it to Doug but everyone was watching her now. She noticed when she looked up from the bottom of the couch where she’d been pinned, sitting up awkwardly and clearing her throat, readjusting her glasses Doug had mangled the position of. “Erm” she coughed behind her hand, sniffing nervously “how’d you know I posted the meme?”

Emma nodded in wonder. Yeah Melissa had said right at the beginning she’d only posted it to her private tumblr, and she didn’t know if Paul would have spoken to Doug randomly and been like ‘look at the post my girlfriend posted on her second account which she hasn’t let you follow yet, that your girlfriend sent to her.’ She looked over to the other couple, Paul, Rob and Sam watching too, silently, as Melissa watched Doug’s eyes, all wondering.

Doug shrugged. “You left your phone on outside the shower babe.”

Everyone groaned, and Melissa threw her head onto Dougs shoulder feeling much the same, before throwing it back, letting out the loudest groan there. “UGHHHH. That’s it I’m never letting you outside my shower again.”

Everyone had mostly gone back to their own thing now, Rob and Sam wishing to be told they were allowed to leave, while Doug snuggled Melissa closer. “Works for me hun.” They winked very purposely at her.

Melissa turned red faced, now understanding the implications, gasping and pointing right into Dougs chest with the only distance Doug allowed right now, their hands like cuffs on Melissa’s wrist, eyes on the job, on her lips. “No! You’re not allowed in right now either!!!”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all so much for reading! This took me so long to do and I finally finished it and found a good time to post it AH
> 
> I hope you enjoyed! And liked this mix of characters aha
> 
> Please really leave any and all comments as they really do help. Some of the comments I’ve been getting recently have been... ❤️!!! So ty!!!
> 
> As always, stay safe y’all 💕


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